Excessive

Although I've had worse days, I wouldn't say that today was a good day by any measure. It certainly ended poorly, and started in a typical, unenjoyable way, and the inbetween was less than optimal.

There are times when I fee like I've come a long way, and times when I feel like I haven't changed for years. It's a scary thought.

An HD remake of Kingdom Hearts came out recently and I've been playing that, and I've also just started watching Breaking Bad, and I'm really enjoying that.

I feel a bit sad.

I feel my mind falling apart, worse and worse, not better than before.

I've felt a terrible sense of helplessness lately, just feeling completely out of control of the day to day happenings of my life. What is causing it is fairly obvious, or at least seems to be, as it seems to be related to my work schedule, my cats, and just my own personal mood and/or motivation.

I've had a miserable day today... and I'm sad, and lonely, and feeling sorry for myself, as I do sometimes.

I woke up this morning... I don't even remember when. I was in a daze... I had intense sharp pains up my neck and into the left side of my brain, stabbing, reaching around to my eye, to the point that I couldn't lay down, it just wasn't an option, and even sitting still hurt. I think I got up, stumbled around for medication, took three Tylenol 1's and tried to fall back asleep but it just hurt too much.

I had an accidental vacation; Accidental in that I had three days off at the end of last week (Thur, Fri, Sat) and then I requested Sunday and Tuesday off (suggested, not requested) and Monday was a holiday, so I ended up with Thursday to Tuesday off, and I go back tomorrow. The time off has been a mix of ups and downs, the main negative being a sort of hyper-active mania, where I become unabled to make choices, and my mind races, I can't keep my attention fixed on anything for any amount of time, so instead of relaxing, sitting on the couch and playing a game or two for a few hours, I'll play five minutes of a game, not be able to concentrate or feel relaxed, switch it for some other game that may or may not have popped into my head, and repeat that all day, feeling restless and unsatisfied, feeling insane.

It's been a long stretch of days that's felt as if there was no end. It wasn't the longest streak of days working or anything, and I know that while I'm in school, it's going to feel much more difficult, but I worked eight days in a row or something, and finally have my days off coming, so it's like I've reached the light at the end of the tunnel. Sadly, it's less of a tunnel, and more of a short underpass, but... I suppose that's most things in life.

I have so many things in my head I'd like to write out but I never seem to be able to make the time to sit down and type it out. I have conversations with myself in my head, I have journal entries in my head, that I go over, and I say them, in full sentences. I'm a good writer, I just don't write anymore.

Objects, sentimental value, the desire to include others, to share. The frustrations with depression, lack of energy, a slump.

I think that we, as in people, spend the majority of their lives chasing after the things they once had. Feelings, people, hobbies, habits... we remember things more fondly (sometimes) and try everything to get back to 'the good times'. I always think about writing and how I can never do it, or never choose to do it, and I think about how great it would be if I could just remember to do it, or make time to do it. Then I think... maybe I just don't need it anymore, maybe I've outgrown it, or don't require it to feel okay, or whatever the reason may be, maybe life wouldn't be so much greater if I wrote more, or replayed old games to recapture that feeling of magic, maybe the magic isn't there anymore... maybe it is though! I don't know what I'm trying to say. I thought a bit today about the feelings I got playing games in the past, and how I don't feel it as often anymore, or rarely, or ever, and I wish I could feel that again, and how could I go about doing that... but maybe that's just gone.

I get so worked up inside about work, and it doesn't even really have anything to do with me, beyond one of the "new rules" but it just pisses me off so much when they create new rules out of no where, with no research into the legality of rules, nor the effects it may have on day to day operations. With such shifty business practices, it enrages me that they're so arrogant to think that no one that works for them in smart enough to see what slimey people they are. Taking 30 minutes off of each shift I work for some imaginary "break" and looking the other way is dispicible, and I've personally lost thousands of dollars over six years from this, and they have no issues with threatening to hold back wages if... property is damaged, bills are voided without a manager, items on an order aren't accounted for. They have no problem by-passing the smart serve system that is LEGAL in Ontario to better suit THEIR needs as a business. It makes me so mad inside that they think so little of the people that work for them, because I deserve to be treated better, and so does everyone else there. The cherry on top would be the way that most managers talk down to staff, or are just downright insulting and rude, to the point of... if they talked to someone like that outside of work, they would most likely be phsyically assaulted.