Excessive

This has been a chaotic few days and I'm finding it difficult to cope with the messed up feelings that it's causing my brain to experience. It's been a blur of day after day, non-stop things happening, things to do, places to go, meals to cook, and it's all happening so fast, and I'm experiencing negative feelings as a result that I'm having a difficult time dealing with.

I'm not tired. but I'm exhausted. I want to complain but can't. My legs hurt and my hips hurt. I have a headache and my eyes ache. My days go by so fast, it's a blur, and I have no time to plan ahead or think.

I'm sitting here at 2:16am and I'm anxious and nervous and tapping my knee so fast and I can't feel relaxed nor can I feel okay. I feel... so... ugh. I don't even know. I hate this feeling. I want it to go away. I feel like I want to be creative but can't. I don't feel relief from being done school, and I fear work tomorrow for no reason.

So apparently I'm done school now... like officially finished, nothing more to do but sit and wait. Well... kinda, I do have to sign some paper and scan it and email it but I suppose you couldn't really claim that to be much work. Maybe I'll feel better after I do that... maybe it'll feel more real, or something awesome will happen, because right now I feel like complete crap.

I've been sick for a week now, and it's getting real old, real quick. Last week, about seven days ago, I had my Mom over for dinner, and by the end of the evening I had to ask her leave because I was starting to feel quite sick, and by that night I had a fever. When I woke up I took my temp and it was 102. I felt like garbage, and I even called in sick to work, which I've never done.

I'm probably the most stressed out I've ever been in my life, and I have about six overwhelming days and then one day where I can actually accomplish something of value, and then it all goes back to shit.

I want to be a better person.

I feel lost, and I feel hopeless and I can't get back to where I was. I don't care about doing school work, and I just feel so lazy and sad, it's crushing me.

I'm trying pretty hard to get my shit together, as I feel as though I've completely fell apart over the last few months, and I'm only a fraction of the person I once was. I've taken steps to try and feel normal, to try and feel sane and okay.

I have ideas for programs all the time... maybe not programs, but websites, or services, or just something that will make my life easier or more interesting. Today I had the idea of a dinner planning service, that you customize to feature dinners you like to make, and it would plan your meals for the week.

Haven't felt the happiest lately. Overwhelmed with stress and deadlines. I'm getting angry easy, I feel hopeless, like there is no future, like I'm at a standstill and going nowhere.