Excessive

I'm sure Bekki thought I was just fooling around but I was actually quite sad that she was leaving to go to a movie with a friend. Not for any reason of jealousy or even that she was going to do something, it was just the idea of not seeing her all day while she was at work, and then seeing her for fifteen minutes before she left once again. Being alone for the entire day had a strange feeling, it made me feel like how I felt a couple years ago.

I couldn't sleep last night. I took a sleeping pill and laid in bed but my mind was racing... thoughts of the project I'm working on, thoughts of a game I played, just... thoughts, endless thoughts that never stop. I got up and spent some time on the computer, played some Borderlands 2, and then tried to lay back down and sleep. Again, I was feeling hungry, distracted and uncomfortable. I got up again and warmed a microwaveable pizza, and sat again at the computer. I ate, and read some more, and it wasn't until about 12:30am or so that I finally went back to bed.

Today was a day off and I spent most of the day working on some personal programming - a website that organizes and assigns chores to various users (Bekki and I) and as part of my new years resolution, it should help me stay more on top of all the chores, and not just focus on the easy to remember ones. Certain things can be difficult to remember, especially when you just have a half hour before dinner and it's more obvious to do the dishes and tidy the living room, but now I can just go to the web site, click one button and it will tell me the few chores to do that day.

Migraine. Wine, Niagara. Cold.

Migraine.

It's really cold outside, like record cold, so... um, that's a thing.

Today was a day off and I didn't really do anything. Like... I didn't do anything. It doesn't leave me feeling very good, and although there was potential for a nice day off, overall I would say it wasn't. I woke up startled and not feeling great, started the day not doing what I wanted to do, and even fell asleep on the couch for part of it.

I'm tired. And I ate too much. Now I sit here and feel sick and I kinda just want to go to sleep, but it seems like such a waste of time.

Work was slow today, working from 8am to 2pm, I worked brunch service on line in the cafe, and cleaned the walls with degreaser. That's about it...

I don't feel the greatest: it's a little bit physical and a little bit emotional, and just a bunch of blerh. I think it started with the vague feeling of getting a migraine; mainly slight dizziness, a stiff neck, and just the other similar side effects. On top of those symptoms, I had a little bit of wine, which almost always leads to me feeling depressed (or at least it leaves open the possibility of it being triggered). I feel down, and depressed, and upset. I feel defeated and given up.

I always have such a hard time when I work in the afternoon instead of early in the morning, and today was no different. I strugged hard to be okay this morning when I was waiting to go to work and in the end I kind of just embraced my uselessness and just kind of collapsed on the couch and watched episodes of Futurama until I had to leave for work.

I've been having a really hard time today to get out of this rut of lethargic and lazy I'm feeling, and nothing seems to be working. Yesterday I felt good and accomplished, like I was being active and smart, and today I feel the opposite. Such a giant change so quickly, catches me off guard sometimes.

I've been sick for almost a week, and while I'm getting better now, it's been a pretty rough time, and to make matters worse, Bekki is also sick (with different symptoms though) so there isn't much room for... well, we're both not really eating, moving, or doing anything. Starting on the 28th I believe, I had a strong fever, fucking me right up, causing all sorts of problems. I couldn't sleep, breath right, or function. I couldn't eat or drink properly and life sucked. I didn't even really start to get better until yesterday when I ate my first real meal. I went to work with a fever on Sunday, only to call Shawn in to cover the rest of my shift so I could go home, and to be honest I don't even remember that day at all. I have no idea how I made it to work and functioned and got things done, but I know that I shouldn't have been there.