Excessive

Why must I never get tired? Why can't I just get super sleepy and tired and want nothing more but to curl up under blankets and fall asleep. I sit here at 3:16am and I am wide awake; I could go about my day as if I had just slept the entire night and not know any different. I feel cursed, and frustrated. It's tempting to take a sleeping pill, and there aren't many good reasons not too, but principle, it's the idea that I don't have to rely on it is what stops me.

I haven't taken a sleeping pill for days, maybe that's why I've let th writing slip, or maybe it's just been because of how busy I've been, or maybe it's because my E key is being annoying as fucking hell, who knows. I do know that the last few days have been very busy, very active, very blurry. I've taken too much Xanax due to... whatever, school and then retardedness, and it's effected my memories of the last few days.

I don't particularly care for the last couple months of my life, for various reasons, many of which I've repeated over and over again here, but for other reasons too... reasons I wouldn't write down.

The last two days have been a complete blur, barely any memories of what I've been through, so I can't exactly go into any kind of detail.

Yesterday was my wonderful root canal, which I managed to get through with the help of some pain killers and xanax... I made a follow up appointment for December 21st, and then went and got another prescription filled out, then headed to work right away. I don't really remember how I got there or anything, I don't really remember work that day either. It's kind of weird, I don't remember how I got home either.

Just let me know when I amuse you again. Thanks.

never have more hollow words been spoken

Ah, what to write about... I suppose the pressure and stress I've been feeling today had let up slightly, this morning I woke up and went to school... I didn't feel as tired, nor as groggy. I felt a bit lighter to be honest, magically awake inside for a few hours at least. I couple positive things happened during my time at school that helped me feel a bit better, including an email from a professor letting me know he may mark a project worth 13% of my final mark that had been ignored up until that point due to a faulty dropbox and an ignorant professor. An email I sent in September was replied to finally months later, so I guess it's better than never, right? What this means for me however, is that there is less pressure on me to get a super good mark on this next project, as before I was going into it with a zero on the first project which meant in order to get a passing mark in the class I had to do very well on both this upcoming project and the final exam, and if I get a decent grade on this first project, it makes it so I don't have to get quite as high a mark, so... less pressure.

First Snow of 2011 is today, November 30th.

Is it weird that I feel much more comfortable and okay when I'm super depressed? Is it weird that I just can't wait to get back to that dark and sad place? I can't stand feeling like this, feeling... creative but unable to create. It's like torture. I still feel lonely but I don't feel that longing for romance. I just feel resentful, I feel angry almost. I hate people for leading me on. I hate people for making me feel loved only to take it away when it doesn't amuse them anymore.

I slept in today... how often have I started writing with those words? It seems I've been having quite some difficulty with the practice of sleep. I've been having difficulty becoming motivated to go to sleep, and I've been sleeping in much later than I would like, or waking up and being unbelievably tired, to the point of making poor decisions regardless of consequence.

Today turned out to be a bit of a struggle, which was surprising because the day was kind of set up to be relaxing, but my mind kind of screwed it up for me. My thoughts are racing, I feel desperate to create something but can't concentrate, I tried working on a few things and it only ended in complete frustration.