Excessive

"Waking Up Beside You"

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I want it to pour; I want it to pour rain until everything is soaked in water. I want the rumbling of thunder and the shock of lightning. I want it bursting in the skies and raining forever. I want the refreshing feeling of a slight mist coming through the open window on a warm night. I want to hear the splatter of rain as it hits the pavement... I want to feel fucking okay for once, and feel relaxed and feel good about what's going on around me.

I went to write in my green book (my offline journal) and I couldn't find a pen... just a whole ton of unsharpened pencils and I don't even have a pencil sharpener. Then, I finally found a barely useable pencil, sat down in my bath and opened up my book to the last entry. It freaked me out because I don't have any memory of writing the last entry. It doesn't even look like my hand writing. I went on about what emily did to me, and how it was so cold-hearted and sorta mumbled on about things that didn't make much sense, and then I signed the end of the entry by writing 'dead soon' and then drew some symbol I've never seen before. The thing is, I think I wrote that entry that night I accidentally attempted suicide; the day I took 20 perscription sleeping aids and drank a pitcher of beer. I guess that would explain why I wouldn't remember but it was still really freaky to read the entry...

I actually made it through the entire day of work today... it felt pretty satisfying at the end to know I toughed it out and made it; and I only got caught for taking long breaks once! SCORE! I guess it was a pretty decent day of work anyway... I only had one irate and it was easy to push him on a supervisor and I guess I handled the rest pretty well... one guy was really nice and it went on for about 90 minutes and he wanted help on things that had nothing to do with what I support, but I made it so I could help him do SOME things, so I wouldn't get in trouble for helping him do things we aren't supposed to support. Although I brought my lunch, it wasn't enough to make me feel full or anything. I just brought a box of mini-pizzas (comes with two little pizzas); the thing is, I left the pizzas out for about two days, so they had melted and looked all funny... thankfully they tasted alright but they didn't really dent my hunger. I had to buy a drink a few times and I bought $0.45 worth of olives on a paper plate and ate them... nummy! Bleerh. I always enjoy work more when I have tons to eat.. like a sandwich, pizzas, two puddings, applesauce, a yogurt and some other snacks.

I'm do so much better than I thought I would be. I went out Saturday with a few friends and had a blast.. met some strange guys, expierienced some strange things but I felt pretty good about it all. If I keep busy than I can usually manage to feel okay; Linzie has been an amazing support for me these past few days, by making sure I'm not alone, her presence alone puts me at ease, and just having someone to cling to if need be helps so much. She's also going through some things at the moment, so I'm sure she finds at least some comfort in being here as well. The invitation is open to anyone! I'm lonely and want someone to come over! Beeeeee wiiitthhh meeee.

they're pink now

In regards to 'Hey' who left the comment to my last entry talking about Tara's website: What does that have to do with me? Leave a comment in HER damn blog, not mine! I can't hook you up, or in any other way connect you to her, especially since you already read her blog, so might as well just post your comments there.

I went all the way to work and went to timestamp in and it showed I had the day off with pay... it pissed me off because I came all that way, and I fought myself to go to work and I actually did and it turned out I had to turn around and leave. Mark told me to work and then tell my TS about it afterwards, but I didn't want to work the whole day and find out later it couldn't be reversed, since I was being paid for the day whether I was there or not. So that wasted a couple hours of my day right there and that bugged me.

The feeling of being used stings like a cut from dull razor. I feel like death inside but that horrible anxious feeling inside my stomache is starting to fade after my doctors appointment and now that I'm on more drugs.

Do you still hear the laughterSo hard to describe

Emily broke my heart this week when after her long running abandoment to Toronto without so much as a hello, she dumped me today

I'm sad... but I know she will be too... she gave up a lot by leaving me...