Excessive

I go back and forth between feeling anxious and feeling confident at work. Maybe I feel confident all the time, it's hard to say. I feel very confident in my abilities to do anything set for me to do. It's just sometimes what I'm supposed to do isn't clear, and then that's what I get anxious about.

Today could've been better as far as feeling physically okay goes, as I've felt pretty slow, groggy and crappy most of the day (or all of the day) and there were a few moments where, for no reason I could explain, I felt a bit low otherwise, but the day itself was pretty satisfying mentally, and that's important to remember.

Yeah, okay, so I haven't been updating that much, it's really not my fault, my days seem packed... my days feel so full of things to do that it's driving me crazy, making me feel completely smothered and I feel like I'm going insane. This week was a full on attempt to return to some kind of stablized normalcy, however it hasn't improved my mood as much as I had hoped it would.

Three separate times I've looked everywhere in my apartment, moving the couch, behind the tv, inside the tv cabinet, inside a box of old VHS, under shoes, on my book shelf, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, three separate times and I've still come up empty. I don't think I've been this angry in a long time, and I can't play games, I can't sleep, I can't watch TV, all I can think about is how angry I am.

I'm not sleeping; I should be sleeping but I'm not sleeping. There are a few reasons for this, but the biggest one I can think of is that I can't find my sleeping pills anywhere and that would be why I didn't take them, thus falling asleep at a somewhat normal time. You see, last weekend when Teresa came to sleep over, I gave her some sleeping pills, completely drunk off my ass, and I seem to have misplaced the bottle afterwards, and now, sober, I can't for the life of me find it anywhere; not in the closet, not in my room, not in the bathroom.. I need those fucking pills to sleep dammit!! My apartment isn't even messy or unorganized, so it's not like they're hiding somewhere.. gah!!! Anyway.. that would be why I'm awake right now and not sleeping, and I guess it makes me a bit sad to think about not having a normal sleep pattern does to me... I feel so helpless.

I had a pretty okay sleep... it was on the border of being a NOT good sleep, but I suppose I feel rested, so it's alright. I woke up a lot... every few hours; I fell asleep listening to Tony Bennett, which actually worked pretty well considering I wasn't even tired really, and it made me fall asleep before the album was over (MTV Unplugged) which was surprising but I woke up a lot, turned it back on a few times, and eventually woke up at 7:00am and decided that I was sick of laying and waking up, and I had a headache worse than the night before, so I got up.