Excessive

I had a pretty okay sleep... it was on the border of being a NOT good sleep, but I suppose I feel rested, so it's alright. I woke up a lot... every few hours; I fell asleep listening to Tony Bennett, which actually worked pretty well considering I wasn't even tired really, and it made me fall asleep before the album was over (MTV Unplugged) which was surprising but I woke up a lot, turned it back on a few times, and eventually woke up at 7:00am and decided that I was sick of laying and waking up, and I had a headache worse than the night before, so I got up.

Everyone's complaining because I haven't updated in a long time, so I suppose I should, just so people don't start showing up at my door with weapons.

the most important problems of life are fundementally insoluble; they can never be solved, only outgrown, and one does this by accepting the problem and developing further by means of it.

I don't think I can write; I don't think I have the mind for it at the moment. I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday, perhaps after that, I'll update as to my condition.. I realize some people have been wanting an update on whats going on, so all I can say is as of right now I can't write because my mind is gone. If something changes, you'll know, because I'll write an entry, but don't expect one until tuesday.

I'm having seriously one of the worst days ever. Besides the fact that my loyal kittens have kept me company and attempted to comfort me all day, I'm laying around, yelling at the walls, shaking and hitting my head and screaming. I can't play games... I get frustrated and yell curse words at the TV before slamming down the controller and shutting off the game without saving. I can't eat because... well I'm not hungry; I can't rest because my back hurts and my mind has melted. I layed in bed floating in and out of conciousness listening to the Final Fantasy X soundtrack, having the craziest, disturbing dreams / daydreams. I feel sick to my stomach, I feel sick to my head. I feel helpless and worst of all I feel hateful. I want to go visit a few select people in person with a chainsaw. I want to cut out vocal chords, and cut off heads.. grr. Is it legal to make threats like that? meh...

Iron and Wine are on Last Call with Carson Daily and they're going to be playing off of the Garden State soundtrack, and I want to go wake up Emily and have her enjoy it like I know she would, but I also know that no one wants to be disturbed while sleeping, no matter what; she'd just mumble and roll over... oh well, for some reason it makes me sad. Steven Colbere is also on the show, which she'd probably also enjoy.

It's come very apparant that Sunday night and/or early Monday morning TV blows ass. I'm sitting here, watching the discovery channel; Mythbusters to be exact. It's a show where two guys take various myths they've heard, barely believable stories, and then attempt to find out if they could be true or not. Like.. if face piercings raise your chance of being struck by lightning, or if a dog peeing on baking soda would cause a small explosion... so they just do various experiments to attempt to find out the truth... it was moderatley entertaining, although lacked something that would make me watch it again volountarily.

I've been overwhelmed with emotion lately, and it's a bit... well... overwhelming. I've been feeling such a mix of things, and not only am I feeling all these emotions, but I'm having an ass load of physical side-effects of being off of my pills: vertigo, dizzyness, sleeplessness, headache, lack of energy, restlessness and so on. I've felt so worthless and useless and lazy lately... like everyone would be better off if I were to just leave and never show my face again. I do nothing for anyone, and I'm too weak, as it's been proven and proven again, and it's quite depressing if I let it get to me, which lately I have. Good things are happening to Emily, and she's happy and accomplishing things, and here I am filing for EI, trying to get a job, trying to deal with these withdrawl symptoms, AND trying to get my psychilogical self in check, and it's just way too much for me to take. If I let it all get to me at once, it seriously feels like my heads going to explode... and I'm lost as to what to do to get away from that feeling, to relax, or to feel good about myself, because no matter which way you look at it, I'm just a miserable, depressed failure.