Excessive

Last night was terrible, and I was at fault. At times - most times I suppose - I am oversensitive and difficult to deal with. Regardless of the what, why's and all that terrible stuff, the night was ruined by me, and I went to sleep almost immediately after writing last night's entry.

Bekkidybutton

Today was a good day, and I should feel light, and happy, and carefree, but I feel heavy, and slow, and weighed down with worry, angst and... weight. A silly way to describe it - sure - but it's what came to mind first. I'm not too far into the negative feelings (another terrible way to describe it), I'm simply feeling numb and heavy, like a weight has been placed on my chest, and it's difficult to breathe. My mind feels a bit more normal than the last day or two... who knows why, I wish I could answer that. I can't even describe what's wrong, so there is no way to figure out how to fix it.

I don't feel good today... I feel angry, slow and tired... irritable and mean, rude and impatient. I feel bad for Bekki for having to put up with me, and I feel responsible for bringing her down as well, I'm like a poison, and I should really know better and perhaps isolate myself when I know that I'm in this kind of mental place. Against my better judgment, I went out shopping today, and while it was okay, and most of it enjoyable, I did feel quite off and not like... super relaxed or anything.

I've been playing SSX a lot.

SSX is a series of games where you do over the top tricks on a snowboard as you go down semi-realistic mountains and try to set times and high scores, while upgrading and improving your character (or set of characters). The first SSX I played was SSX Tricky for the original xbox and I was impressed... I found it addictive and enjoyable, not the greatest game ever but it was fun. I liked it enough to buy SSX 3 a little while afterward, and it was amazing. SSX 3 was one of the greatest games on the xbox and of it's generation, and I played the crap out of it, so much so that I mastered and unlocked everything.. the soundtrack was amazing, and everything about it was awesome. Afterward, a new entry came out in the series, SSX On Tour... they went a tiny bit of a different direction, and focused more on individual events and creating your own character, but they hit the nail on the head again and I became equally obsessed with the game. I played the shit out of it, completely beating all aspects of it.

Well it's stupid, I know, because I wouldn't say I'm upset, but I'm... not at rest, for what some would say is stupid... for what I say is a stupid reason. I finished Bioshock 2 last night and now I'm without a main game to focus on, to invest time into, and I've been trying to figure out what I'd want to play (both before work) and mostly after work, just kept putting in different games that I thought may interest me, but I just felt so restless and disinterested, just... ugh, it was frustrating because all I want is to be able to lose myself in a game, to feel excited and invested in something. I'm not sure what I want to play, which is the problem, but I have so many games that I could pick from, sometimes it's the fact that I have such a wide array of games to pick from that's the problem, I always second guess or wonder what that 'other' game would be like. Ah well.. I'll probably try playing a few games at once, and hopefully one of them will suck me in enough that I give it more attention and get really into it.

Who am I? What are my fears? What are my interests? What are things that bring me comfort and calmness? Who even reads this?

Today was pretty good really... Woke up early and went to breakfast with Bekki, at Archies. It was tasty and filling, and the walk was refreshing and welcome. Once home, I spent the afternoon finishing up some cleaning that I had started the other day... I cleaned and organized the rest of my cupboards, cleaned out my freezer.

I thought I wanted to write but I don't.

I have a headache and it's impacting my ability to write properly.